Agh!

I’m here again in the need to write; because I feel that only portraying my thoughts, my feelings, my worries, and sorrows, will be the only way to make me feel better; make me move on… I want to know what I want and what I need because YOU left me hanging by the thread of life… I’m in the in-between, I’m in repair, and I can’t seem to find the way to get to the other side…

I thought that if I didn’t see you, didn’t hear you, didn’t let you fuck me up the way you did, I would be able to move. And you’re not here and I can’t get away. And there’s nothing worse you can ever do, so I want to keep blaming you if I mess up, because I wasn’t like this. I was fine. I was good. And you didn’t appreciate me and you keep messing everything up.

Because I had you in my life, my roads are leading to perdition, as well as yours.

I keep getting so mad...

Shocking Possibilities

Have you ever felt a sudden eagerness to keep living? Have you been in a crucial point where you found yourself so desperate to do everything—because every time you try, it actually works?

This has been a very contrasting and incomparable moment in my life: when I finally stop to think and process all the encounters, opportunities, chances, and joy… I’m simply left astonished.  The possibilities are infinite when it comes to what I’m capable of doing and experiencing. I’m so glad I know it. I’m so glad I’m living it.

It’s not easy to learn to let go, but it’s also not impossible. I believe I’m finally giving me a chance; I’m really trying and learning how to manage tangled and tricky situations.

Watch and learn. Learn and apply. Apply and create. Create your environment with your actions. If it doesn’t work, try again. Try and commit. 

Just make your day however you please… because you’re really able to.

Sudden Thought

And I’m like this because I don’t have other option, because the truth is that I wish to keep going and going… Keep sharing, keep on this little game, and keep knowing and feeling.

I have no hurry, I want to live the moment: one experience through another, keep learning, expand my horizons, my vision of the world, because there’s always more, and more, and more.

I don’t want to conform to my present; I want to hope for more so I’ll demand more.

I don’t want to see only one side, one opinion… I want to have all of them, and choose and make it happen. Be happy with no chains, try until I get satisfied, observe and study until I convince myself to get excited and act.

There are so many secrets buried in the trunks of life: I want to be the pirate in the search of all the treasures, and meanwhile, go around the world. Be so rich and seeking for even more riches.

From the highest point in the sky, to the deepest spot in the ocean; from the driest and most agonizing of all deserts, to the most torturing arctic place; arrive to the most pleasant of all the sunny beaches, and explore it until the end.

Daydreaming

Is like this amazing feeling of security.  You see and you think: what is it that you can be doing that would make you feel better? Right here. Right now.

You have that vision and you start to wonder if it only makes sense in your head — is it an extinguished desire or just a transient thought? I have the undying hope of seeing you, and yet every time I do, my world is normal again. I have the ability of letting you go so easily, and still your memories overflow my mind and create the daily dream I live in.

How can I have this anxious eagerness and enthusiasm of our encounter if I know that you’re not going to be there? Or are you? Do I really know?

It’s just hope and survival. This is I, keeping me in balance. This is myself, trying to hold on to the last minute, to the last chance, to the last happy feeling.

Conclusion for a Beginning

     Up until now, I realize how many times I’ve made the same mistakes. Lessons are so hard to get! How many tries does it take for one to learn, and not have the same stupid and foolish attitude over and over again?

     Am I so blinded and simpleminded? What is the perspective that people have about me? Am I really that selfish and self-centered to people? Am I honestly that oblivious to my surroundings?

Could it really be that I have had all these bewildering thoughts right there, in my face, and I don’t see any?

     I think that people and relationships are so simple: they’re just the way I look at them and how I feel them. I don’t stop to consider what is the other person thinking or feeling. Do I really stop to even ask?

     Wow! No. I don’t dare. I don’t dare to be straightforward. When I want to talk to somebody, is as if I create a maze where they can never reach the goal; I get them lost on purpose. And then I feel like nobody understands me.

     This is so NOT how I want to be...

     I want to reflect how I really feel inside without the fear of being rejected—I want to say it out loud! I want to be daring and intrepid. Don’t hold back on any opportunity. Bury this shyness away and start being myself. I want the world to know me.

Re-realize

Being creative and just living your life to the fullest.

Sometimes we find ourselves in the middle of nowhere—living life just for living it, eating just because you need to, and going to the places where you absolutely need to go. Sounds depressing but, believe it or not, this can be someone’s daily life.

Its like we’re living asleep.

I keep realizing this every time. I get lonely; I don’t have anything to do, or anything that motivates me in the moment, that is. So I just keep on the same routine, over and over again...

I just can’t seem to learn my lesson: to get out there and just enjoy the gift of LIFE. Meaning…

Watching, touching, tasting, grabbing, walking, driving, talking, singing, humming, rubbing, running, catching, sitting, hearing, smelling, doing, getting... living.

There’s so much more, always. So much more to get, so much more to do, so much more to create.

How do we divert from our goals and purpose? How do we miss the fun? When do we stop feeling and needing more? When do we stop seeing things as clear? How do we go back? How can we start again from the beginning when everything has become so dark?

Is that why I have you, my mother? Is that why I have you, my father? Is that why I have you, my siblings? Is that why I know you, my friend? My classmate? My colleague? My mentor?

Is this how I trust you, my God? 

Blurred Perceptions

“Things are not always what they seem; the first appearance deceives many; the intelligence of a few perceives what has been carefully hidden.”  - Anonymous

I'm thinking, things are never what they seem! Not a building, not an image, not a painting, not a book, not a letter, not a look, not a person, not a word, not a feeling. Nothing, in the end, is what you first think it is. Everything is relative. Nothing is an absolute truth.

This is why there's so many colors, religions, jobs, brands, artists and music, so you can find your own truth. A lot of times in our lives we see things that are not always what we think they are. Just because we believe something to be true does not necessarily mean it is true. Just because we do not believe something doesn’t mean that it is not true. Your truth doesn't have to be my truth.

Free will helps each of us promote our own true selves authentically. Our creative mind leads us to apply our own truth in different ways. Our needs, our shame, and pride, makes us materialize different obstacles into solutions. Therefore, nothing is never what it seems.

Human Places

    I’m seriously starting to think that places really get a hold of human actions and feelings.  Analyzing carefully, reviewing every detail in your mind, you will inevitably get to this conclusion.

      How is it that when you go to Disneyworld, even if you’re not a little kid, you get really excited and happy?  Or do you?  Because in my case, for example, I don’t get happy at all when thinking about this park full of castles and fairytales.  My trip there was a nightmare.  And it was all because internally, I was not feeling comfortable with the people that went with me.  It was every child’s dream to go there, and I was living it, and feeling so bad.  Right now, I really don’t want to go back.

     The backyard in my mother’s house: I used to play there everyday, I had a little wood house that my mom made for me, and I continually invented stories and adventures that took place there.  I was an only child until I was seven years old, so I really liked my solitude.  Instead of going out to play with neighbors, I went to my backyard and joyfully played with my imaginary friends and went everywhere I wanted, exactly how I wanted, with whomever I decided.  Although it was pretty reclusive, I enjoyed it.  I grew up in that house, and every time I went to my backyard, I felt happy.

     I wonder if this is how haunted house’s tales were created… Because apparently, depending on the situations you experience in a place, that is how you feel in a daily basis, or whenever you go to that place.

     So, what do you do when the place you live in holds the most important, life changing, gloomy and miserable feelings you have ever had?

Try to wake up.

Do not forget and remember your past.

Remember where you come from,
your roots and your family.

The misery and the glory behind you;

the stupidity and the wisdom

responsible for your actions.

The confusion and uncertainties,

Your embarrassments, troubles and fears.

The clarity and excitement,

Your dreams and desires…

       Remember who you are…

    …and live the present.

Live like you’re going to die today.

Explore life to the extreme,

Savor it and enjoy it completely.

Every light and shadow,

Every texture and flavor,

Every scent and aroma,

Every sound and melody,

Every feeling, every thought,

Don’t leave it,

Try to live it.

Give in to your desires and have faith

in what is yet to come…

Believe in what you want

And declare it with strength.

Do not only hope but also be sure

Because “when you want something,

the universe conspires for you

to obtain what you wish”. (Paulo Coelho)

Music = Life

     I consider music an essential part of my life.  It is my individual technique of escape, of feeling joy and happiness, of putting myself at ease and simply relax.  I appreciate music and every aspect of it: from the melody, to the lyrics, to the player… when its all so well connected, they can easily create a masterpiece that can blow away your senses.  It is something so powerful that can awake the most deepest of emotions in you; it can be disastrous as well as splendorous and make you have the most amazing of times as well as the most miserable one.

     I grew up in a musical environment because my father is a professional percussionist and my mother directed a chorus for church; so personally I appreciate good music and musicians greatly.  It can be a biased judgment but when I meet a person that plays an instrument, they automatically set a better impression on me.  Maybe because they always surrounded me, I am very fond of musicians.  I admire their special ability to understand sounds and notes and how to combine them to make something so pleasurable.  I think one of the most exciting experiences is listening to a good musician performing live; it sets me in a wonderful state of mind.

     Without question, music is a superb form of expression that greatly influences one’s thoughts, feelings and creates the most wonderful sensations.

Happy V Day!

     Valentine’s Day!  Very special for so many people, big day for businesses, everybody is going wild buying gifts on this commercialized day, trying to impress their loved ones.  They go crazy looking for the perfect gift to express the profound love that runs through their veins and makes them be madly in love... but is never enough.

     For those who are truly in love, those who think they live for that loved one, that other one who is never going to fail you, who is never going to abandon you, who is never going to stop loving you because they feel exactly as you do, because they demonstrate it every day; you think they sincerely love you.

     But I want to share a really good lesson life has taught me: no love is everlasting; no love is so true.  There could be an exception, like really close family, but at the end, nothing is so sure.  When you are truly in love you feel like nothing else in this world matters but your relationship with that person.  You really feel secure and complete because that person complements you in a way nobody does; they fill up your spirit and bring happiness to your soul.   And then, something happens and you learn, or you don’t; and you stay or you leave; and you go over and over again.

     In essence, it’s all just learning experiences.  Every relationship is a special and unique ingredient to the ultimate recipe of our life.  You start cooking with those ingredients as your foundation, and it tastes so good, you think there can never be something as good and you decide to keep that recipe for life.  But then, you meet somebody that makes it different, and you taste it, and it tastes so much better!  So you decide to change, and the learning process never stops because there will never be something as finished or as perfect; nothing will get to the point where it doesn’t need anything else.  There is always going to be space for more.

     So at the end of the day, you are left with what feels like perfection and security at the moment…and you know is not going to be there forever, but you’re so glad is there for you now.

An escape...

    What do you think about when you imagine a place where you can escape? Do you imagine an island in the middle of nowhere, with palm trees and sand all around you, and nothing to hear but the silence that surrounds you? Or do you imagine going to a place with no name, a place where you cannot stay, a place that is no place, just nowhere going in nothingness? What brings you peace? What do you think about when you no longer feel like being where you are? What brings you to that state of mind where you cannot longer feel anxiety or trouble? Where is that place that brings you peace?

   Life can be so ironic. I assure you that whatever brought you peace a while ago is not the same that calms you today. For who would’ve thought that what perturbed my mind yesterday is what brings me happiness today?

   Just the thought of it when I feel troubled gets me in a hopeful mood where I can make it work because there are big things worth fighting for…

   I think of my past, my family, my friends, my culture, my places, and they soothe me, and so ungratefully, I didn’t want to be there! I fought to go away and now they’re my escape: the true place where no lies exist, where everything is right and sincere.

   My escape is to go back, remember my true self and go fight the world again. Recover all the strength I lost by remembering my best times, the best people, and the best places that I can create.

Getting it right.

So you're trying hard to get things right.  You put a lot of effort , you try to act by your heart, by what it tells you its the right thing to do... Just to realize you're doing everything wrong and things are going the exact opposite way you wanted them to be.  Aren't we supposed to follow what our heart tells us is the right thing?  Because whenever we don't listen to that little voice that warns us, everything turns out the wrong way.  Therefore you decide to listen to it just to realize it wasn't the right thing to do either.

I've been in that point where you see everything so clear; where you can act so surely almost knowing what's about to happen next, that it makes me so anxious not to be there anymore; not to be sure.

It's so exciting at the same time because I'm discovering so many things about life: there's so much to it and you have the power to make it as fascinating as it can be.  It's our decision to be a success or a failure; to be a winner or a loser; to be exceptional or insignificant.  And I decide to be something different, to try new and unpredictable things so I can get different results.

What do you do when you didn't really want what you get at the end? Just keep trying until you get it right.  Those mistakes are the ones that get you extraordinary results.

Adaptation

I am very surprised at the new person I'm converting into. From an extremely shy personality, a girl who didn't talk to anyone if she didn't absolutely have to; to a girl that realized she couldn't go on living this introverted life if she actually wanted to do something with her life; to actually developing some social skills and giving herself the opportunity of being sincere and true to herself... It really does make a difference.

There are so many experiences I have had that had taught me to be the way I am now: many painful things and very good ones. It feels great to realize how much I have changed and how that gets me through life easier: I recognize people's actions and thoughts and they don't scare me anymore. on the contrary, I'm excited to learn how they act, what are their reasons to act that way, what kind of background do they come from that makes them be the way they are. It is, seriously, a lot of fun!

Who could have ever imagine me, a shy lonely girl, getting into the grand adventure of coming to the United States, living by herself, with no family close to her, just adapting everyday to a different way of life...the american life.

Being free...

Is this new attitude making me more...
or is making me feel
or does it has to do anything towards you?
Before all this I lied, I hid,
I wouldn't tell...afraid...of your reaction;
worried...because I didn't know if it was correct.
But now, I feel so different,
I feel so free to talk, to trust,
to do anything I like without
worrying about others reactions;
just because I want it that way.
Just because it's in me to sing,
to walk, to dance, to fool around,
to write, to draw, to have fun,
to be true, to love, to be free,
to be me...
I feel it, I do it.
Doesn't matter anything but my
happiness in this moment, right here,
right now.
I feel like risking it all.

Live High

To learn, adapt, to live, to dream,
once and again.
Again, not again!
Who cares? If one, two or three times,
it appears again.
To learn, to love, to live and dream,
always ahead, not in reverse.
The victories, the defeats,
that makes us learn about life,
about our dreams, two and three times, and again.
To adapt ourselves to changes,
to think about the same thing.
I always want to, I never can,
but I know I'll learn.
It's my life, it's my way,
it's my time to fly.
To live without fear, I want to,
you taught me and that's what I'll do.
Two and three times I'll try
and I'll finally get it.
There's no forgetfulness,
only wait that's tired of waiting.
And you know what's waiting for me?
To dream, to live, to be.