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Qué extrañas y ricas pueden ser nuestras emociones!

Cuán concretas las podemos sentir con tan sólo un recuerdo?

Todo lo que pasó ayer, lo recuerdas, lo sientes , corre por tus venas y ocasiona reacciones invaluables, impenetrables, incambiables...

Será posible que alguna vez se nos olvide lo que sentimos, que algo que se supone que nos cause algún sentimiento, simplemente deje de causarlo?

Será posible olvidar? Dejar atrás tu pasado y empezar de nuevo?

Nunca.

Porque tus experiencias son lo que te hacen ser la persona que eres hoy; y nunca podrás olvidar. Podrás, tal vez, aprender del pasado, agradecer el presente, y vivir el futuro.

En cuanto a los sentimientos, yo nunca me preocuparé por la tristeza: si alguna vez olvido cómo se siente sólo tengo que pensar en tí.

Sólo tengo que pensar en lo sola, abandonada y abusada que me sentí por tu egoísmo idiota, decepcionada por las mentiras que alguna vez fueron mi verdad...

Sólo tengo que pensar muy fuerte en tí para dejar caer una lágrima; una de tantas que tengo en mi alma por tí.

Agh!

I’m here again in the need to write; because I feel that only portraying my thoughts, my feelings, my worries, and sorrows, will be the only way to make me feel better; make me move on… I want to know what I want and what I need because YOU left me hanging by the thread of life… I’m in the in-between, I’m in repair, and I can’t seem to find the way to get to the other side…

I thought that if I didn’t see you, didn’t hear you, didn’t let you fuck me up the way you did, I would be able to move. And you’re not here and I can’t get away. And there’s nothing worse you can ever do, so I want to keep blaming you if I mess up, because I wasn’t like this. I was fine. I was good. And you didn’t appreciate me and you keep messing everything up.

Because I had you in my life, my roads are leading to perdition, as well as yours.

I keep getting so mad...

Shocking Possibilities

Have you ever felt a sudden eagerness to keep living? Have you been in a crucial point where you found yourself so desperate to do everything—because every time you try, it actually works?

This has been a very contrasting and incomparable moment in my life: when I finally stop to think and process all the encounters, opportunities, chances, and joy… I’m simply left astonished.  The possibilities are infinite when it comes to what I’m capable of doing and experiencing. I’m so glad I know it. I’m so glad I’m living it.

It’s not easy to learn to let go, but it’s also not impossible. I believe I’m finally giving me a chance; I’m really trying and learning how to manage tangled and tricky situations.

Watch and learn. Learn and apply. Apply and create. Create your environment with your actions. If it doesn’t work, try again. Try and commit. 

Just make your day however you please… because you’re really able to.

Sudden Thought

And I’m like this because I don’t have other option, because the truth is that I wish to keep going and going… Keep sharing, keep on this little game, and keep knowing and feeling.

I have no hurry, I want to live the moment: one experience through another, keep learning, expand my horizons, my vision of the world, because there’s always more, and more, and more.

I don’t want to conform to my present; I want to hope for more so I’ll demand more.

I don’t want to see only one side, one opinion… I want to have all of them, and choose and make it happen. Be happy with no chains, try until I get satisfied, observe and study until I convince myself to get excited and act.

There are so many secrets buried in the trunks of life: I want to be the pirate in the search of all the treasures, and meanwhile, go around the world. Be so rich and seeking for even more riches.

From the highest point in the sky, to the deepest spot in the ocean; from the driest and most agonizing of all deserts, to the most torturing arctic place; arrive to the most pleasant of all the sunny beaches, and explore it until the end.

Daydreaming

Is like this amazing feeling of security.  You see and you think: what is it that you can be doing that would make you feel better? Right here. Right now.

You have that vision and you start to wonder if it only makes sense in your head — is it an extinguished desire or just a transient thought? I have the undying hope of seeing you, and yet every time I do, my world is normal again. I have the ability of letting you go so easily, and still your memories overflow my mind and create the daily dream I live in.

How can I have this anxious eagerness and enthusiasm of our encounter if I know that you’re not going to be there? Or are you? Do I really know?

It’s just hope and survival. This is I, keeping me in balance. This is myself, trying to hold on to the last minute, to the last chance, to the last happy feeling.

Conclusion for a Beginning

     Up until now, I realize how many times I’ve made the same mistakes. Lessons are so hard to get! How many tries does it take for one to learn, and not have the same stupid and foolish attitude over and over again?

     Am I so blinded and simpleminded? What is the perspective that people have about me? Am I really that selfish and self-centered to people? Am I honestly that oblivious to my surroundings?

Could it really be that I have had all these bewildering thoughts right there, in my face, and I don’t see any?

     I think that people and relationships are so simple: they’re just the way I look at them and how I feel them. I don’t stop to consider what is the other person thinking or feeling. Do I really stop to even ask?

     Wow! No. I don’t dare. I don’t dare to be straightforward. When I want to talk to somebody, is as if I create a maze where they can never reach the goal; I get them lost on purpose. And then I feel like nobody understands me.

     This is so NOT how I want to be...

     I want to reflect how I really feel inside without the fear of being rejected—I want to say it out loud! I want to be daring and intrepid. Don’t hold back on any opportunity. Bury this shyness away and start being myself. I want the world to know me.

Re-realize

Being creative and just living your life to the fullest.

Sometimes we find ourselves in the middle of nowhere—living life just for living it, eating just because you need to, and going to the places where you absolutely need to go. Sounds depressing but, believe it or not, this can be someone’s daily life.

Its like we’re living asleep.

I keep realizing this every time. I get lonely; I don’t have anything to do, or anything that motivates me in the moment, that is. So I just keep on the same routine, over and over again...

I just can’t seem to learn my lesson: to get out there and just enjoy the gift of LIFE. Meaning…

Watching, touching, tasting, grabbing, walking, driving, talking, singing, humming, rubbing, running, catching, sitting, hearing, smelling, doing, getting... living.

There’s so much more, always. So much more to get, so much more to do, so much more to create.

How do we divert from our goals and purpose? How do we miss the fun? When do we stop feeling and needing more? When do we stop seeing things as clear? How do we go back? How can we start again from the beginning when everything has become so dark?

Is that why I have you, my mother? Is that why I have you, my father? Is that why I have you, my siblings? Is that why I know you, my friend? My classmate? My colleague? My mentor?

Is this how I trust you, my God? 

Blurred Perceptions

“Things are not always what they seem; the first appearance deceives many; the intelligence of a few perceives what has been carefully hidden.”  - Anonymous

I'm thinking, things are never what they seem! Not a building, not an image, not a painting, not a book, not a letter, not a look, not a person, not a word, not a feeling. Nothing, in the end, is what you first think it is. Everything is relative. Nothing is an absolute truth.

This is why there's so many colors, religions, jobs, brands, artists and music, so you can find your own truth. A lot of times in our lives we see things that are not always what we think they are. Just because we believe something to be true does not necessarily mean it is true. Just because we do not believe something doesn’t mean that it is not true. Your truth doesn't have to be my truth.

Free will helps each of us promote our own true selves authentically. Our creative mind leads us to apply our own truth in different ways. Our needs, our shame, and pride, makes us materialize different obstacles into solutions. Therefore, nothing is never what it seems.

Human Places

    I’m seriously starting to think that places really get a hold of human actions and feelings.  Analyzing carefully, reviewing every detail in your mind, you will inevitably get to this conclusion.

      How is it that when you go to Disneyworld, even if you’re not a little kid, you get really excited and happy?  Or do you?  Because in my case, for example, I don’t get happy at all when thinking about this park full of castles and fairytales.  My trip there was a nightmare.  And it was all because internally, I was not feeling comfortable with the people that went with me.  It was every child’s dream to go there, and I was living it, and feeling so bad.  Right now, I really don’t want to go back.

     The backyard in my mother’s house: I used to play there everyday, I had a little wood house that my mom made for me, and I continually invented stories and adventures that took place there.  I was an only child until I was seven years old, so I really liked my solitude.  Instead of going out to play with neighbors, I went to my backyard and joyfully played with my imaginary friends and went everywhere I wanted, exactly how I wanted, with whomever I decided.  Although it was pretty reclusive, I enjoyed it.  I grew up in that house, and every time I went to my backyard, I felt happy.

     I wonder if this is how haunted house’s tales were created… Because apparently, depending on the situations you experience in a place, that is how you feel in a daily basis, or whenever you go to that place.

     So, what do you do when the place you live in holds the most important, life changing, gloomy and miserable feelings you have ever had?